Posted on Sep.05.2008 @ 01:15AM EDT by kausha
Hi guys. New here. *waves* I found this place by searching through Google... done after much pondering on how to approach my little question. I could've just done what most people do or I could have done what the other most people do. I chose to do this.
I was raised to believe in "reincarnation" to the point that it's sort of one of the main things I do. Folks who remember and I speak, talk, therapy, blah blah. I'm nobody special here with it. It's just that stuff gravitates to me. I don't think that needs a more dramatic discussion than that, right?
Anyway, of course I've got a plethora of memories of my own. They've served me quite well, actually. The more one remembers their whole, the more they step closer to becoming whole when taking this particular (albiet sometimes dangerous) path. I'm happy to say I've come a long way baby.
But there's a couple of unresolved spots. One has to do with Buddhism.
What I'm going to say from beyond here isn't meant to awe or impress. And I'm not really out for glory or anything like that. I just want to be thorough in my post, get it all out, and move on to the purpose why I'm risking being flamed by typing here. Or anywhere. -_- And these aren't things I've never talked about before. S'just instinct says when going into certain circles be careful. Cuz there are things you aren't supposed to remember... or something weird like that.
When I was a kid before and after school I had a self-made routine of doing stretches. I like to stretch. Feels good. Didn't learn until I was in my 20's that they were all yoga poses. And naturally when I stopped doing them... kinda forgot them... and try as I might circumstance (and lack of motivation) can't get me back into it. Durnit. I thoroughly enjoy yoga. But I guess not enough. ;-)
I've always been very drawn to temples. Big beautiful temples with scratchy gardens... to the point that I actually remembered a temple. Before I stepped into my first Buddha center. This story I am gonna tell has been with me for years. I've only been looking into Buddhism for the past year.
There are a lot of "temple" things I have spent my entire life doing without thought. Very ingrained, this sort of thing, and very automatic. It was my friend Margaret who pointed out to me my habits. Then of course I was like "okay I"m bizarre." That was 8 years ago, though.
And of course the 3 "dangerous" moments that happened to me in my life. One kind of involve catching a pole coming at me from behind (I am not joking, lying or anything) so that my friends in high school called me karate woman for the rest of the year. Um... I'm not even sure how I knew the pole was coming. It just kind of all happened. -_-
So there were these big wooden doors, and they were much bigger than me. But then again I was a young boy, or maybe an adolescent. I have trouble telling my age by feeling alone. I was dark I can tell you that much and totally freaking out.
The past life memories - there is one "life" in particular I spent this lifetime avoiding remembering only to go "oh.. yeah I can see why I didn't wanna remember that" - were pretty strong. Something about a male body and this spirit doesn't mesh well I guess. Things get too emotional. So there I was at this temple shaking and crying and basically terrified of what was in my head.
I was allowed inside. I *think* someone walked with me. Can't remember... and there was this little barren courtyard like place. Two or three monks where there; older guys who were dark like I was. And I can't remember exactly what was said, of course, but basically it was conveyed I thought I was going crazy.
One of the older men said to me very gently that I was safe there.
Can't remember what happened right after that, but I have always known that I "took refuge" there. That was the phrase in my head. It's always been there. And I took vows and became a monk for the rest of my days.
I always thought through the years that "taking refuge" meant I hid there. I know I grew old there. And it had a beautiful mountain view. Which I kinda miss. =^-^=
So yeah. I was al ittle astounded at my first Buddhist encounter when I learned what taking refuge really was.
I guess I'll not go on and on about hiding int he courtyard and the gentle refraining atmopshere when first got there and wotnot.
Okay so here's why I"m baring my soul and exposing myself to trouble.
I realized "wow I really missed being Buddhist!" but am torn. Not sure what I should do here. I've got very strong instincts telling me that to take the vow again will-nilly is a mistake. And... I dunno.. would be nice to see the monkery again but really I'm trying to make sure I"m not being stoopid.
I need someone to talk to, because sounding boards are how Tiggers think best. Someone who doesn't feel this topic is taboo.
I understand if its taboo though. I'm sorry if I've said anything wrong.